So Dam Antsy

I am running the Dam to Dam 20k on Saturday.

My anxiety is crazy-crazy high.

The longest race I've ever run was an 8k. When I was real fat and out of shape and walked most of it.

I haven't really "trained" for this 20k. I haven't followed any strict training plan at all. I've just been running.  I broke my treadmill addiction. Then I broke my 3-4 mile addiction and stretched it out to 7-8 mile runs.  I did a 10 mile day once- but not consecutive miles...  5 in the AM, 5 in the PM.

My pace is about 12 min a mile. A jog.

I'm freaking out.
What if I can't do it?

To me- anything over 3 hours will be a failure. I HAVE to finish before 3 hours. HAVE to.
20k is like just a little more than half a mile under a half-marathon. I'm psyching myself out big time. Most of my challenges when running past 7 miles.... get mental.  I know I can go more.... But I get all... .mental on myself....



This month has gotten really bad health-wise. I'm 95% sure that my body is trying to pass a kidney stone. Or I have a kidney infection.  The pain comes in waves and is getting crippling when it comes on. Every time I get an "attack", it's worse than the last one.  I puked one day- from just the pain.
I have a high tolerance for pain...  but these pain waves are just... uncomfortable, and so unexplainable.

I go to the doc on Friday. I prolly wont know more until next week. Whatever. I'm running Dam to Dam on Saturday.
I've actually felt pretty good all week.  Just had one wave of pain on Tuesday night.  It'll be fine.


So scared. So anxious. I just want to finish in less than 3 hours.

I'm already thinking about next goals.
More more more runs. 5ks, 10ks,
Do a half-marathon in 3 hours.
Dam to Dam 2013-  Do in 2.5 hours.

Remy

Awww puppy.
Love him.  Whenever I post a pic or status of him online (which is annoyingly a lot...)  A family member keeps posting "Do you remember life before him? forever changed." 
So true.

He's so smart. He has his bad moments. I hate being mad at him. But he's taught me a lot of patience. He's SO cute in the mornings. Sleepy, weak legs, half awake when I take him out to morning pee. I get home from the gym around 6:30am, and jump back into bed for a bit before shower/work - and he's so cuddly.  He's got my routine down now, and goes into his kennel before I even tell him to.
When I get home from work, he's in extreme play-mode. It's so fun. He literally makes me laugh out loud. He'll get a squeaky toy and squeak it about 200 times. I can tell him to get a specific toy (godzilla, dragon, bone..) and he knows which one to get.
He has buddies at the dog park. Rosco is his favorite. Charlie is a close second.
He gets frustrated when Jinxie wont play back with him. Sometime's she'll let him clean her ears and lick her belly though.  I wish they'd cuddle.

I just finished reading a book called "A Dog's Purpose".  My dad recommended it to me. It was SO good.   I have never ever cried, while reading a book. 4 times throughout this book, I was bawling. Heartwarming. Definitely makes me think I know what my dog is thinking now:)

Remy graduates puppy class on Sunday. We'll have a month long break- to keep practicing the stuff we learned there - then he'll start Adult classes in May.  I know the Husky-Blue Heeler mix in him, has the potential for lots of learning. He's SO smart. I just need to dedicate more time into proper training with him. We've come a long ways from day one though!

Irrational

The following thoughts are DUMB. I know. Totally irrational. But I've had them cross my mind more than once.... so I need to get them out.

I've been thinking about how I want a house real bad now. Been thinking about saving up some money. I have shitty credit.  No debt.... but a low score. I'm going to need some down-payment for sure...
But I don't want a house alone. I don't wanna pay for a house alone. I don't want to take care of a house alone.  I need to find a dude.  A dude who already has a house. or gets one with me. soon.
Maybe I should save up for plastic surgery instead. Get perfect. Make myself into a "trophy wife".  But I'm too old to be a trophy wife.  I'm not 20-25 anymore.
Hmm.


There was way more indepth thought going into that whole scenario earlier this week.

Moving on....

I should start saving for plastic surgery though.  I'm so close to having the body I want. But right now.. It;s still not what I want.  I swear, if I don't get there by this time next year... and my skin is still crazy... I'm doing it.

Thinking about moving to the first floor of my apartment complex. Maybe. Unless I find a dude with a house. ha.

Posted a status update on FaceBook the other day about how I was itching to go to a hockey or baseball game. Got 2 date invites out that one.  Boom! :)  Might actually go on one of them.

I asked HR for a copy of the resume I submitted for my job 11 years ago.... since I haven't looked at it in that long.  HR questioned on whether or not I was looking elsewhere. I said "I don't know, just feel like I need to have it..."    and that's the truth...  I dunno.

Blues

Ugh. Depressed.

I know it will pass.  I just feel weird.
Tired, anxious, physically ill. Angry, restless. Un motivated. Bored. Anti-social.

BLAH.

I'll snap out of it in a day or so.   It's just weird. Just ridin' it out.

Want

I'd say the past year- I've definitely gone after what I want.

Wanted  to get fit. GOT IT.
Wanted a dog. Got it.
Wanted nicer things in my apartment. Got it.
Wanted more money at work. Got it.

I feel like I'm "doing good" at life lately. I have no fear. I want something? I make it happen.
I mean... I do have fear...   I do.  But I still just go after what I want now.

But....... I want a deeper intimacy...  a relationship?  I mean, not some boring-passionless-rut drag of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, that just makes me cringe. I just want.... a closer connection. Someone to share things with. Just, something... more.

So.... why can't I ask the guy I kinda dig right now... if we're meant for a little more? Or why do I keep turning down dates and shying away from new dudes who chat me up.  
That fear is interesting. I used to think I blocked out that stuff, because deep down, I didn't really know what I wanted. But that's not it. I know what I want. I KNOW.  So, why can't I just make it happen? Gotta find it.

Patience

Saturdays: Early morning workout. Morning nap. Special trip for Remy, either PetCo, or Sadie's yard. Afternoon nap. PIZZA. Company of a dude I like.(usually.... been liking the every-weekend thing.)  Sleeping in on Sunday AM.

The rest of the week:  just waiting for Saturday.


So much routine and restraint all week long. I suck suck suck at being patient.

But, I guess that what makes Saturdays the best. The wait. If I had everything I wanted every day of the week, then what would I have to look forward to?

Spring

Time for some change again.
I'm on week 7.5 of my 10 week Farrell's challenge. I'm little frustrated.  I know that I've gained muscle. I know it's a fact.  I don't have six pack abs or Jillian Michaels arms yet. The past week or 2, I've lost a little bit of focus.  I haven't been doing the homework & all the extra stuff for class. I haven't been entirely into it 100%. My cheat day, the past 2 weeks, has run into Sunday. I missed a Monday AM class.  I just haven't been hardcore about it.  I hate myself for that.
I have 2.5 weeks left.  I've really gotta give it my all. Right now, I bet my before and after picture wont even really be dramatic at all. (wish I coulda used my WAY-before pic for a before pic.... lol.)  
Even if at the end, I've only lost a few inches and %'s of body fat...  that's ok. I guess. I learned nutrition. I learned new ways to challenge my body and the importance of muscle building. I'll be forever changed from it all.  No more, will I eat 800 calories a day and do cardio for 120+ minutes for my diet/workout. I'll never go back to that. That's stupid. I can't live like that. And all that left me with was a smaller- but flabbier body.

I miss running. I miss biking. After the 10 weeks challenge is over, I'm not going to continue with the Farrell's ongoing program. My parents just bought me the entire set of reistance bands online. The same exact ones we use in class. There are levels that I haven't even reached in class yet. I have the manual which explains each move and I now understand how they switch up the muscle groups from workout to workout.  Having levels of bands that I haven't even tried yet in class, I have much more to get out this. I know that if I do this strength training on my own, I can continue to build muscle and strength.  As for the cardio kickboxing...  I'll remember the moves. I can use the punching bag at my gym. But I'll mostly get my cardio from running/biking.  I have sets of "workouts" posted on my fridge to do too. Circuit training type stuff (25 jacks, 1 min plank, 15 squats,10 pushups,  etc etc etc- repeat sequence 3 times...)

Next winter, I'll do another 10 week Farrell's challenge. Or Kosama, or Cross-Fit, or some other new fitness challenge fad.

That's the plan.  My own strength training. And running. And biking.   I'm going to do the Dam to Dam 20k.  The longest distance race I've ever done, is an 8k.  This will be a challenge. Even if I walk half of it. I don't care. The 5k is just not enough of a challenge for me.  Running training begins March 19th. :)  My core and legs are so much more stable and stronger than before, I know I'm going to run better than ever. I'm excited to get back into that.

What other changes will come this spring.........

Maybe I'll win the lotto and can quit my job and buy a house with a big back yard for Remy. I know....  Ms. "I'll live in an apartment/condo forever" "I never want a house on my own..."
..... finally see's the need for a HOUSE.

Maybe I'll quit wasting my time in a dead-end "non-relationship" thing I got going, and actually chat up one of these new dudes that I've met recently.  (Thanks Remy. I got a crush on Remy's friend -Reesa's Dad.)

Maybe work will shake out and get better and not so stupid and crazy. Maybe I'll finally be fired, and forced to start my career-life over.

Maybe I'll get another tattoo(s).

Maybe... no. NOT maybe. Definitely... I will be able to fit into the dress I bought a few months back. I'm sooooo close.....

YAWN

I'm exhausted.


Work is killing me. My "new" boss still sings my praises. Gave me a pay bump last month, and is promising a promotion and another raise within the next year. He LOVES me.  I'm hating my job big time again.  But they wont fire me.  I'll stick it out.  Uggggghhhhhhhhh.


Dog life is tiring. 7 month old puppy....  is work.  Every single time I come home, a whole  new level of "What the FUCK?" happens.   He escapes the crate a lot. Every time he does, I make reinforcements to it, thinking he can't "break" it again. Nope.  When he does escape... all kinds of shit gets crazy. He just goes ape-shit when I'm not there.  He's SO good and calm and chill when I'm around.  He eats every toy. I've had to throw away 10 of them now... because he's demolished them.  His crate was too close to the wall the other day, and he pulled my cable outlet wiring out. Literally tore  the wall up, from INside his crate.  He does nothing but sleep and cuddle when I'm home.  When we're outside, he has super-ADD and wont pee or poop.  But will eat ANY poop, stick, dirt or anything...  he encounters.   I definitely need to get him into some training classes soon.  The ARL and PetCo classes are all booked up for the next month. Gotta look into other options.   I'm home every 4 hours to let him out.  I go to bed at 8pm. I set an alarm for midnight.  Walking around outside at midnight or 2am is weird.  Half-asleep.  Then I'm up at 4am, for Farrell's.  I love him though. It's been a hard couple of weeks for both of us. Getting adjusted to each other. But it will work out. :)  I really really do love him, and am glad I finally made the leap to be a dog-mom.

Farrell's. I'm on week 6 of 10.  Week 5, we re-tested.  I haven't lost any weight. I have lost some inches. I dropped my body fat percentage. I know I'm firmer and less jiggly. I dropped more than a minute off my run mile time. I can do twice as many pushups and situps in a minute than I could on day one. I've mastered the eating  and nutrition part.  It's still not a big dramatic change.  They keep saying that for most women, it's week 6-10 that really make the changes.  We'll see.  I trust em.  They switch up our muscles and workouts every time. I trust in what they are doing. They completely changed around our strength training sets, and amped them up- and I feel like Im on week 1 again. So I know it;s working and I'm not plateau-ing.   They encourage signing up for the FIT (farrells infinite transformation) program after the 10 week challenge is done. This means you sign up for 3 months, or a year.  A membership.  I think I might do that.  Its expensive.  But it's challenging.  Or.  I dunno. I have my gym membership still.  If I can take what I learned there and apply it to my own workouts.. and get back into running... and biking...      I dunno. 

My social life is NOTHING.  Between Farrell's focus and the new dog.  I don't go anywhere besides Farrell's/Work/Home/PetCo.

I need a night out, so bad.  But I can't stay up past 9 or 10pm most nights... lol.

Remmy

I'm a MOM!!!! :)

A dog mom.

I'd been checking the ARL site daily. I hate to be "picky" when it comes to rescue-ing a shelter dog, but I just had my eye on a specific type.  That sounds awful saying. But even types that I was interested in online, would show up- and I'd find reasons not to go see em.  I was just scared. It's a big committment.  I mean, I can leave my cat alone for probably 10 days and she'd be ok.  A dog, is gonna require my full care.  I'd been prepping all year. Thinking hard about my life and imagining myself having to go home every 5 hours or so, etc.  I've been thinking about the dog adoption for almost a year.

SO, I finally just did it.

The Animal Rescue League had a listing for a 7 month old husky/blue heeler boy named Remington.
I went and saw him in person that night (2 nights ago), and knew immediately.

His back story, is that he was given as a gift to a 20 year old female and she just didn't have time for him. :(
When I walked into ARL, this dog was in the row with the special dogs. The ones that aren't just open for public viewing. The loud barky, sick dogs.  This dog was neither. No kennel cough. Looked healthy. He was sleeping. All the loud big crazy dogs around, and this one was just staring at me and falling asleep in his pen.

We got into the intro-room to meet. He came straight to me and into my lap. He gave me a hug. He was quiet and chill and calm, and even a bit skittish.

I signed the papers and took him home that night.

I LOOOOOVE him.

He looks like a fox. And he kinda looks different from every time I look at him. Sometimes he looks like a husky. Sometimes like a german shepard. Definitely has some blue-heeler ears.

That night was great. He was exhausted. He met my cat Jinxie and they get along just fine. (yes!!!!)

That night. he just ate and slept in my bed with me. Waking up every hour or so, and sort of freaking out. I just assured him that he was home now.
In the morning, I had to go to Farrell's class at 5am.  I put up some baby gates to block a whole room off for him.
I leave, and he barked like crazy.  I come home an hour later, and he's still barking :(   So sad.
And he had busted through the gates, had lots of accidents around, and just tore my place up, bad.  The cat was still alive though.
At that point, I knew I couldn't go to work and leave him the whole day. So, I called in.  I took Remmy to PetCo and we bought a large wire kennel. Then, I spent the whole day bonding with him. I trained him to go into the kennel and lay down. Positive reinforcement really really works. We had a great day together. By the evening, I was starting to see an actual smile to Remmy.

Which... made the separation anxiety even worse this morning. I left for Farrell's class again and left him in the kennel (with blankies, my old t shirts, water, toys...) and he was barky barky crying.  :(
I got back, and he was still barking.  F.  My neighbors are gonna HATE me.

I got ready for work and left him again.  I think when I got to work, *I* was the one having the worst separation anxiety!  I stayed at work until noon and then came home.  Coming up the stairs to my place..... no barking. I walk in. No barking.  (At this point, Im freaking out thinking he somehow killed himself in the kennel.)   I walk in, and he's just laying down, being good and quiet.  GOOD BOY :)

We spent the rest of the afternoon playing and napping.
I swear, he and Jinxie are gonna start cuddling soon:

I know Jinxie doesn't totally hate me over all the attention that the dog is getting, cuz she napped on me today.

All is good.  My happy family. My "kids".

Definitely have some training to do with Remmy, since he's still so puppy.  It's gonna be work.

But I'm so glad that I finally made this leap :)

Week 3

Well, I'm into the 3rd week of my Farrell's program.  I haven't seen any big dramatic changes yet. But I know it's working.

*Less cellulite and skin is firming. YES!

*Sore every single day. It's not supposed to be easy. My form and technique is better, but each workout is harder and more challenging. They really know what they're doing there, when it comes to muscle confusion and heart rate ramping.

*My eating habits are totally transformed.  I've learned SO much about how to fuel my body. It makes sense now. I "get" the science behind it, finally. I truly look at food now, as medicine and fuel. It's gotten easier to make the right choices.  I'm eating TONS of protein, and it feels like I'm eating so so much and all day long, but I'm still only eating 1,200 to 1,500 calories a day.

*I've incorporated some running and spinng back into my weekly workout goals too.

I'm back down to my regular weight (Gained 10 pounds the first week.)  I haven't lost big significant inches yet. Small fractions. But I'm getting stronger and tighter.



Work is killing me. 50-60 hour work weeks lately. and I still have tons of work that I'm not getting done. It's stressful.

BRR bike ride is next weekend. Hoping for warm temps and dry pavement. I haven't been on my bike since early fall.


My birthday is this weekend. I'll be 31.   Thinking about the past year,  30 was definitely the BEST year of my life so far.